This is a video of a 15 year old - soon to be male who is in the process of transitioning from being female. Change some of the worlds around and it somewhat reflects how I feel too.   I found this on another gal's site and felt I needed to share it too.

        

Oh, the joy of a gaggle of young teen girls hell bent on embarrassing others.  I was at the store last night getting comfort food as I seem to be coming down with a cold when I noticed a group of 3  young teen gals following me around the store and laughing at me or what I was wearing.  This was in stark contrast to all the adults who didn't seem to pay me no mind and some were quite friendly to me.

What to do?

My aikido training has helped me to learn how to be centered.  When we do jiyuuwaza or freestyle practice in which multiple people attack, it helps if one is calm and centered.  Some attacks are quite easy to deal with and the attacker dispatched in a few seconds, while others may need a little more attention to detail so as the attacker does not get injured.

What to do when multiple girls are attacking with laughter and mocking behavior?

I chose to ignore them by keeping my back towards them, though I was keenly aware of their presence at all times.  The girls were really harmless after all.  I mean really, how much harm can words and laughter do?

If they happened to be angry young men hell bent on a fight, I surely would not have turned my back on them.

But, as I said, they were harmless and I thought about what I might say to them if they conjured up enough nerve to come and say something to me.  I decided I would laugh right along with them if it came to that point.

Laughter is a potent defensive tactic that can disarm the opponent in certain situations.  If you can truly laugh at or with someone who is attempting to verbally, mentally or emotionally harm you, your genuine laughter will render their attacks ineffective.  It will be like raindrops falling off a duck.

This is not necessarily easy though - but, if you can get to that point - it is a great help.  I highly recommend it.

        

Yes, everything, everyone is in transition in some manner.  From young to old and for the lucky ones - back to young again;  intelligent to wise; rich to poor; poor to rich.  Friends come and go; happiness turns to sadness and back to happiness.

Change is a constant.

For me - no breasts to breasts; healthy to sick to healthy again; my girlfriend has transitioned to my fiance; some hair to less hair; and so on.

Winter is giving way to Spring.

There is a radio program that is on sometimes when I go to work called "9 at nine."  Today's first song was from 27 years ago - Lionel Ritchie's "All Night Long."  I was in 9th grade I think.  We had moved to a newly built house.  I had worked with my father in finishing up the last details such as sanding and varnishing the trim and so forth.  Lionel's song played a lot during that time.

I was young and stupid - clueless really though my secret of who I was was deeply held - no one could know of it - I tried to ignore it lest i get beaten to death for being perceived as gay or worse.

I remember wondering if I would ever see Y2K and what I'd be like when I was 32.

When Lionel's song was popular, I had a dog named Spider; he was a black lab mix - he's long gone now - my father made me take him to the vet when I was 22 and have him put down.  My father admitted to me he did not have the courage to do it himself.   Thanks!

All the physical possessions I had then have moved on - so have I - I'm not he anymore; he's not with us anymore - only She remains and she is We, is me.

And even She is evolving and growing - and She too will not be here but will have to change into a new form somehow - somewhere else.

When he was here and made a mistake - he usually didn't care too much though now that She is here, I tend to cry at the smallest mistakes like when I dropped and broke a simple heart-shaped pendant my fiance made - I became quite sad and cried and cried.

Estrogen.

Estrogen is here - testosterone is going away, gone - Be gone I say.... and so it is.  Thank Goddess!  Thank God!

Thank Tao!

thank Tao?

hmmm  I feel like crying now; though soon I'll be happy again ---

Aikido and then

my fiance - her smile, her warmth, her kiss.

Today will transition to tonight - to tomorrow but everso it will always be NOW.

If it is always now - how can there be change?

        

Today in weapons class we began working on Iaido sword techniques.  I've been waiting for this for a long time and it felt so good to begin training this way.  It's very meditative when done correctly.  So there I was, a nice - innocent girl done up in pigtails and pink ribbons practicing the serious art of Iaido. 

I found this excellent Iaido video on Youtube.  Enjoy!

        

So today I was shopping for household goods such as paper towels, laundry detergent and so forth at Target.  Usually nobody pays me no mind and if anything, someone will look at me a 2nd time briefly and then carry on with their life.

However, today, a young teen boy yelled out to his mom in the middle of the store:

"Mom, mom...MOM!!!  There is a man-lady!!!"  while pointing in my direction.

He kept trying to get his mom's attention while I watched in wonderment.  When he noticed I was looking at him, he became all uncomfortable and looked away though he still made it a point to point me out to his mom.  His mom seemed to care less and stayed absorbed in her own little world.

I found it quite hilarious and had a good laugh.  "Man-lady." - Pleeeaazee!

Laughter is the best defense sometimes.

        

not solved.

I reread my original entry What does it mean to be a woman? and found it lacking in so much as it really didn't say anything.  It was a waste of space and time though not really as it is where I was at that moment.

Now it is 4 months later and I am free of testosterone poisoning.  That previous post was written with the filter of testosterone clouding my vision, thoughts and emotions.  Now I see things differently in a subtle but also profound manner.

When I have conversations with other women, those incessant lust filled thoughts no longer inhabit my mind.  I can actually have a human conversation.  I actually care more about them now than before when lust-filled ulterior motives run rampant in my mind during conversations with women.

I feel freer and happier than I have - well like ever.  Co-workers mention how I am floating as I am so cheerful.

Does this mean I know what it means to be a woman?  I don't think so.  Though I am happier and more caring about others and empathetic to their problems then I ever was before.  It was like I had been in a coma for 40 years...

Waking up can be so fun to do!

        

I found this video of Michele Benzamin-Miki Sensei demonstrating an Iaido kata.  She has 5th degree black belts in both Aikido and Iaido.  It's an inspiration to see women who are masters or very strongly proficient in martial arts.  If I lived closer, I'd want to train and learn from her.  More information on Sensei Benzamin-Miki here and here.

Enjoy!

        

After doing the myriad things I need to do daily, I have been reading a book about Mitamoto Musashi when there is time.  Those who have studied Japanese marital arts, particularly any that deal with the sword will have likely heard of Musashi. 

He was a legendary swordsman and developed a method of using two swords in duels at a time when only one sword was used by most samurai of the time.The book in question was written by someone who practices Kendo and thus writes from a practitioners point of view as opposed to the typical scholarly viewpoint.

The author writes about how Musashi developed his skill with the sword beyond the utilitarian act of killing.  In the duels he participated in toward the end of his life, he was able to be victorious over his opponent without dealing them a single blow.  He was able to overcome this opponent through energy of will alone.

He was not a typical brawler who are always out looking for a fight, though he did win all his fights - some 60 in all.  In his youth, the duels were usually to the death.  Mid way through his life, he developed introspection into his life and his abilities.  He sought out perfection.  It was later in his life when he learned it was not necessary to deal a death blow to be victorious.

Musashi's avenue of perfection was through the sword.  Mine is through Aikido.  It has not only helped my self confidence, it also directly and indirectly has helped me work though various issues and develop certain qualities  such as patience.  There are a lot of dysfunctional behaviors I need to work through and discard.  Aikido is helping with that.

It is funny though not surprising I had many people ask me "What are you going to do now that you have your black belt?"  It seems there are some who think having a black belt means you're a master of a particular art.  As one of my teachers said "If you want a black belt, you can go get one from the store for $3.95 and then you'll have your black belt."  However, if you want something more that penetrates the depths of your being, train in a martial art, a way that befits you beyond black belt.

Gaining a black belt does not mean the end of a journey - rather it really is only the beginning.  Acquiring a black belt through years of practice only signifies an understanding of basics of the techniques.  Training continues forever; there are more depths to discover; there are more fears to overcome;  there are more battles to be won, especially over one's ego.

There are some interesting battles being fought in Blog Land - some, I feel are worthwhile - such as exposing the fallacies of AGP and HSTS - while other battles are a waste of everyone's time.  I have made my share of mistakes in some of these battles and even have chosen to participate in ones I now see were a waste of time.  Mistakes were pointed out and through introspection, I see where and why I made them and endeavor to not make them again. 

There are some that see engaging in any battle a waste of time period - though I do not see it that way.  The battles I have participated in has given me food for thought - and through introspection - I am able to refine more of what I expect of myself and what I want to offer the world.

Aikido has given me the tools that help me through my transition and also tools to develop into a quality human that can contribute in a meaningful way to the world.  I still have a long way to go.

        

I found this excellent hard-hitting poem the other day by Lola Bean.  I was going to give an introduction but my words cannot come together enough to do justice so I'll let Lola's words speak for themselves. 

It is reprinted here with permission by Lola Bean and www.poormagazine.org

Shifty Grifters by Lola Bean

Thursday, October 8, 2009;

Yo shifty eyes be lookin side to side
Trying to find those lines and those rhymes
That yo sham hand can’t write
That yo sham life denies
You can’t spit nothin but lies

You can’t tell the dark from the light
You stand there while we do the fightin
Like you a baby in diapers
Youngster ain’t nobody buyin it
Why you even tryin?
Hand the mic over and sit silent

Wait what? You think you got something to say?
Cuz you read up on some book and downloaded nwa?
You think you can tell me the truth like you know the way?
Like you ain’t no fake?
Like you a general and I’m just tryin to keep pace?
Like you been there enuf times to know which road to take?

Baby, you wouldn’t know truth if it walked right up to you
Shone light in yo eyes and pulled blessings right through you
You aint’t got a taste for the struggle cuz it’s teeth haven’t bit you
Cuz when I’m out on the streets you at home sippin yoo-hoo

And when you had yo lunches saran-wrapped and packed by yo mama
I was tryin to make papers takin my top off
Or makin that drop off or getting those rocks off and scrubin that shit
off
But look at you - yo life’s been so soft

I came up takin fists
And you was handled just so soft
I climbed out suckin dicks
But yo path was just so soft
I can’t sleep cuz I’ll get bit
But yo pillow looks so soft
I got scars all over and shit
But yo skin it’s just so soft
And I got me a twitch
But yo steps they just so soft
Fool you can take them soft feet and just step the fuck right off

Cuz the shit yo be spittin is straight toxic its so off
Taking the truth then makin a spin-off
Wearin a sag tryin to hide that yo dicks small
Turnin hip-hop to grift-hop you lyrical jack-off
I’m comin hard baby so you best just back off

And keep on walkin til you right the fuck out our way
And let someone with truth get up on the stage
Someone with stories to show us the way
Someone with sight to grant us some grace
Someone in the struggle that ain’t so two faced

Awww, did that one cut? Am I crampin yo style?
This bastard girl unowned and run wild
Fist in the air fightin for survival
Ya I guess I’m a headache cuz you just small minded

We fight to survive while you just sit there bitchin
Bout how all that stress is just to much fo yo melon
Ya I bet yo dome be splittin
Damn , sweetie, I bet yo brains be illin
We burn full blaze while you barely flickerin
We walkin timebombs and you aint even tickin
You tappin yo feet but you aint tryin to feel it
You was just lookin for our stories to be stealin
For our worries to be pimpin
For our glories to be reapin
Pimp, you ain’t got nothing worth feelin
You can stop with that shit - I ain’t tryin to hear it
I aint got time for this bullshit
I’m fightin the fronlines you just out there frontin
I’m bringin up soldiers you aint bringin up nothin
I’m protecting the light you lettin the dark in
I’m crawling my way out and you tryin to get in
I roll deep in the struggle you don’t know where to begin
I’m tellin my story - you lyin with yo pen
You got caught and I’m tellin my kin
You ain’t one of us – you one of them.

        

I had a nice conversation with my mom yesterday.  For those who have been following along, I recently was able to have a reconciliation with her after quite a long silence.

She shared with me something quite interesting.  As she is have been into astrology for quite some time, she ran my natal chart some time ago during our silent period.  There is a peculiar thing in my chart that didn't make much sense to her until we reconciled and I shared with her my plans for transition. 

In my chart, my Sun sign is square with my rising sign.  As I recall what she told me, it means that what I showed the world on the outside is different than how I am on the inside.

In the context of transitioning, it makes more sense than it did years ago when she first ran my chart.  My outside (male) is different than how I am on the inside (female).  My girlfriend took it further and said that on the outside (more when I was in male mode), I appeared cold and unapproachable when in reality on the inside, she finds me warm, loving, caring - very much the opposite. 

Now, more of the inside being, more of me, is surfacing on the outside.  I can tell I am warmer and more friendly towards others and they seem receptive of it.

There was a lot more information she shared with me and also will be sending me a copy to read over.  I look forward to reading it over.

Whether one believes in astrology or not  - it is interesting this dissonance was found in my chart.  I would have never imagined it.