After doing the myriad things I need to do daily, I have been reading a book about Mitamoto Musashi when there is time.  Those who have studied Japanese marital arts, particularly any that deal with the sword will have likely heard of Musashi. 

He was a legendary swordsman and developed a method of using two swords in duels at a time when only one sword was used by most samurai of the time.The book in question was written by someone who practices Kendo and thus writes from a practitioners point of view as opposed to the typical scholarly viewpoint.

The author writes about how Musashi developed his skill with the sword beyond the utilitarian act of killing.  In the duels he participated in toward the end of his life, he was able to be victorious over his opponent without dealing them a single blow.  He was able to overcome this opponent through energy of will alone.

He was not a typical brawler who are always out looking for a fight, though he did win all his fights - some 60 in all.  In his youth, the duels were usually to the death.  Mid way through his life, he developed introspection into his life and his abilities.  He sought out perfection.  It was later in his life when he learned it was not necessary to deal a death blow to be victorious.

Musashi's avenue of perfection was through the sword.  Mine is through Aikido.  It has not only helped my self confidence, it also directly and indirectly has helped me work though various issues and develop certain qualities  such as patience.  There are a lot of dysfunctional behaviors I need to work through and discard.  Aikido is helping with that.

It is funny though not surprising I had many people ask me "What are you going to do now that you have your black belt?"  It seems there are some who think having a black belt means you're a master of a particular art.  As one of my teachers said "If you want a black belt, you can go get one from the store for $3.95 and then you'll have your black belt."  However, if you want something more that penetrates the depths of your being, train in a martial art, a way that befits you beyond black belt.

Gaining a black belt does not mean the end of a journey - rather it really is only the beginning.  Acquiring a black belt through years of practice only signifies an understanding of basics of the techniques.  Training continues forever; there are more depths to discover; there are more fears to overcome;  there are more battles to be won, especially over one's ego.

There are some interesting battles being fought in Blog Land - some, I feel are worthwhile - such as exposing the fallacies of AGP and HSTS - while other battles are a waste of everyone's time.  I have made my share of mistakes in some of these battles and even have chosen to participate in ones I now see were a waste of time.  Mistakes were pointed out and through introspection, I see where and why I made them and endeavor to not make them again. 

There are some that see engaging in any battle a waste of time period - though I do not see it that way.  The battles I have participated in has given me food for thought - and through introspection - I am able to refine more of what I expect of myself and what I want to offer the world.

Aikido has given me the tools that help me through my transition and also tools to develop into a quality human that can contribute in a meaningful way to the world.  I still have a long way to go.

        

I found this excellent hard-hitting poem the other day by Lola Bean.  I was going to give an introduction but my words cannot come together enough to do justice so I'll let Lola's words speak for themselves. 

It is reprinted here with permission by Lola Bean and www.poormagazine.org

Shifty Grifters by Lola Bean

Thursday, October 8, 2009;

Yo shifty eyes be lookin side to side
Trying to find those lines and those rhymes
That yo sham hand can’t write
That yo sham life denies
You can’t spit nothin but lies

You can’t tell the dark from the light
You stand there while we do the fightin
Like you a baby in diapers
Youngster ain’t nobody buyin it
Why you even tryin?
Hand the mic over and sit silent

Wait what? You think you got something to say?
Cuz you read up on some book and downloaded nwa?
You think you can tell me the truth like you know the way?
Like you ain’t no fake?
Like you a general and I’m just tryin to keep pace?
Like you been there enuf times to know which road to take?

Baby, you wouldn’t know truth if it walked right up to you
Shone light in yo eyes and pulled blessings right through you
You aint’t got a taste for the struggle cuz it’s teeth haven’t bit you
Cuz when I’m out on the streets you at home sippin yoo-hoo

And when you had yo lunches saran-wrapped and packed by yo mama
I was tryin to make papers takin my top off
Or makin that drop off or getting those rocks off and scrubin that shit
off
But look at you - yo life’s been so soft

I came up takin fists
And you was handled just so soft
I climbed out suckin dicks
But yo path was just so soft
I can’t sleep cuz I’ll get bit
But yo pillow looks so soft
I got scars all over and shit
But yo skin it’s just so soft
And I got me a twitch
But yo steps they just so soft
Fool you can take them soft feet and just step the fuck right off

Cuz the shit yo be spittin is straight toxic its so off
Taking the truth then makin a spin-off
Wearin a sag tryin to hide that yo dicks small
Turnin hip-hop to grift-hop you lyrical jack-off
I’m comin hard baby so you best just back off

And keep on walkin til you right the fuck out our way
And let someone with truth get up on the stage
Someone with stories to show us the way
Someone with sight to grant us some grace
Someone in the struggle that ain’t so two faced

Awww, did that one cut? Am I crampin yo style?
This bastard girl unowned and run wild
Fist in the air fightin for survival
Ya I guess I’m a headache cuz you just small minded

We fight to survive while you just sit there bitchin
Bout how all that stress is just to much fo yo melon
Ya I bet yo dome be splittin
Damn , sweetie, I bet yo brains be illin
We burn full blaze while you barely flickerin
We walkin timebombs and you aint even tickin
You tappin yo feet but you aint tryin to feel it
You was just lookin for our stories to be stealin
For our worries to be pimpin
For our glories to be reapin
Pimp, you ain’t got nothing worth feelin
You can stop with that shit - I ain’t tryin to hear it
I aint got time for this bullshit
I’m fightin the fronlines you just out there frontin
I’m bringin up soldiers you aint bringin up nothin
I’m protecting the light you lettin the dark in
I’m crawling my way out and you tryin to get in
I roll deep in the struggle you don’t know where to begin
I’m tellin my story - you lyin with yo pen
You got caught and I’m tellin my kin
You ain’t one of us – you one of them.

        

I had a nice conversation with my mom yesterday.  For those who have been following along, I recently was able to have a reconciliation with her after quite a long silence.

She shared with me something quite interesting.  As she is have been into astrology for quite some time, she ran my natal chart some time ago during our silent period.  There is a peculiar thing in my chart that didn't make much sense to her until we reconciled and I shared with her my plans for transition. 

In my chart, my Sun sign is square with my rising sign.  As I recall what she told me, it means that what I showed the world on the outside is different than how I am on the inside.

In the context of transitioning, it makes more sense than it did years ago when she first ran my chart.  My outside (male) is different than how I am on the inside (female).  My girlfriend took it further and said that on the outside (more when I was in male mode), I appeared cold and unapproachable when in reality on the inside, she finds me warm, loving, caring - very much the opposite. 

Now, more of the inside being, more of me, is surfacing on the outside.  I can tell I am warmer and more friendly towards others and they seem receptive of it.

There was a lot more information she shared with me and also will be sending me a copy to read over.  I look forward to reading it over.

Whether one believes in astrology or not  - it is interesting this dissonance was found in my chart.  I would have never imagined it.

        

It is widely known the Samurai were superb warriors in their time, particularly prior to the advent of the gun.  One of the main reasons as to why they were so good is they had to be willing to die at any moment.  That was their way of life. They may perish in a duel, in battle or if the one they served demanded they commit seppuku (hari-kiri).  Death could literally be waiting around the next corner.  Is it really any different for us today?

No one knows when we will pass on and the Samurai were keenly aware of this.  They prepared daily in meditation that this would be the last day they would be alive.  They were willing to lose their life in battle and the more skilled ones at letting go, more often survived than those who were either afraid of losing their life or who were angry and wanted to fight.

In Aikido last night, we practiced Kaeshiwaza which is the practice of reversing our partners attempt to throw us.  For example if my partner attacks me and I do an Ikkyo poorly and my partner is aware of it, they can reverse it and throw me in another technique instead.  Those who are skilled in this can go on for quite a long time reversing technique after technique. But, this is not easy.

To be successful in it,one must be willing to be thrown - to lose.  For at the moment when your opponent has almost thrown you is when a reverse can be applied and your opponent thrown.  It is not a competition to see who can reverse to the most or anything like that - rather it's a practice in letting go, in losing. For in losing, victory can be had.  The proverb- "Sometimes when you win, you lose..." points to this.

Thanks for bearing with me - I am actually going somewhere with this idea.

I have found those skilled in conflict resolution do so not by fighting,but rather by letting go of the fight.  If two people are fighting or having an argument and one disengages, there no longer is a fight; there is no more argument.  But to disengage properly requires letting go, to be willing to lose.  As a result, an understanding and possible reconciliation can occur.

Too often I see people want to fight about a subject almost to the point of death.  They are relentless in their attacks and their main goal is to win even when their arguments become obviously faulty - especially through name calling. I'm guilty of having done this in my past way more than I care to admit.

It's seems natural and acceptable by society as a whole to fight.  Media constantly portrays the notion that fighting is the best way to solve anything and the ones who give up or walk away are losers and weak.  After all, who wants to be weak?  Our fragile egos cannot tolerate being attacked for in our ego's point of view, it is the most important in the world. It's as though the ego says "How dare anyone challenge me!"

But let's look at this a little more carefully.  To not fight someone who is angry with us, to not return insult for insult, to not participate in the Old Testament thinking of an Eye for an Eye is not a weak position - rather it shows strength and courage of one who can with stand such abuse.  It's always easier to get angry and retaliate than it is to practice patience.

Practicing patience is hard work.  Parenthood provides many opportunities fort his.  One quickly learns which battles to fight with a child. Somethings children do are not worth the battle while others are.  Knowing which battle to engage in is important.

In dealing with others,it's important to choose battles carefully.  Is it really worth it to begin an all out fight just because someone called you a name?  Can a name really hurt you? Can a series of letters which make a sound really hurt you?

By letting go, we loosen our egos grip on our mind and things begin to happen we did not for see.  I have found very often when I get into an argument with someone that at some point I can see some mistakes I had made or see that what I was fighting for was stupid.  At which point I am able to step back and say- "Ah!  I messed up - I am sorry."  Some times this yields unexpected results in that I gain more than I was originally asking for.

Those practicing Mahayana Buddhism sometimes take Bodhisattva vows.  Holding these vows helps the aspirant to progress towards enlightenment.  One of the vows is:

Do not add fuel to the anger of others by neglecting or ignoring those who are angry with you. Instead of closing yourself off, try to communicate and dissipate their anger. If you cause a problem for others or you have suspicious projections that they are harming you, and then through pride, laziness, malice or other delusions you do not clear the air by apologizing when you have the opportunity you incur this downfall.[1]

What this is saying is that even if you did not intend to anger someone and yet they believe you're the cause, one should make amends.  Let go of winning in order to win the peace.

Our egos hate to lose. By allowing ourselves to lose, our ego loses it's grip on our mind.  As a result, a truer victory can be had in winning the peace.  The Samurai of the past let go of the ego daily in their meditations on death. They were prepared to lose their life and yet, the skillful ones often won their life for another day merely by letting go.

[1] - http://www.viewonbuddhism.org/resources/bodhisattva_vows.html

        

Oh Joy!  The Vikings lost their chance to be in the Superbowl -again.  And they almost had it!  Oh well.

More Joy - it's month end and the ever vast array of bills are due as usual but there is a new twist:

1.  I just got my dentist bill to which I have no idea how I will pay for it; and,

2.  My hormones will run out at the end of the month AND so will my asthma medication.

Wow - dilemma...what should I pay for?

Well, I'm feeling pretty emotional about it this morning...hormones talking? yea maybe - maybe not.

My grandma once said that she felt God never gave us more than we could handle.  If this is true, how am I so lucky to be able to handle this?  Now, don't get me wrong - I know there are plenty others who have it worse on varying levels...However, this is my dilemma which I am having a hard time with.

Options you say?

1.  Get another job.  I have 3.
2.  Get a better paying job - Yea, this one is a bit more tricky.  My main job is aware of my transition and I have received nothing but complete acceptance for it and they have an awesome health plan which is beneficial for the Endo visits and so forth.  Plus, its a really great place to work.
3.  "Aww - you don't need your medications for transition - why are you even doing that anyway???" - Yea, right.
4.  Bankruptcy? - I'm not even thinking that is an option at all.
5.  Sell some of my jewelry - yep I am working on that, though I have yet to sell any...

Anyway - thanks for bearing with my crying, whoas me trip... It's just where I am this morning. 

I hope yours is going better!

        

I made these necklaces today. My girlfriend made the ceramic pendants that have either crystal glaze or a mixture of glass and glaze.  I am selling them on Etsy.com for between $10 and $20.

Check them out at http://www.etsy.com/shop/Spiraali

I'd love to hear what you you think of them!

        

私は幸福です。
Olen onnellinen.
I am happy.

私は感謝しています。
Olen kiitollinen.
I am thankful.

私は助けになります。
Olen auttavainen.
I am helpful.

私は美しいです。
Olen kaunis.
I am beautiful.

私には、平和があります。
Minulla on rauha.
I have peace.

        

Aikido has taught me a lot.  It has helped me to maintain calm and serenity in the midst of endless attacks.

Today in class we practiced mume jiyu waza - any attack, any throw - eyes closed.  Your other senses become heightened and thoughts disappear.  It was interesting to do this practice again for it had been several years since I last did it.  I was able to be calm and soft even though the attacks were hard and direct.  My "opponent" was not harmed and I finished with a calm mind; my breath was relaxed - unhurried.

Aikido is about self defense.  There is no attacking.  We don't learn punching nor kicking nor blocks.  We don't attack.  We respond accordingly depending on what our opponent brings us.

Sometimes in real fights, especially on the street where the opponents know different styles, it is standard to try to get the other to fight on their own ground in the same style they fight in.  Then it is familiar and easy.  So, for example, if a boxer meets an Aikido practitioner, the boxer will want to box and feel it is unfair if the Aikido person will not box.  If the Aikido person is not interested in fighting a boxing style and the boxer refuses to attack...well there is no fight - it is over.

In the past, I have met some who wanted to box and though it was tempting, I chose not to.  I have been trying to live up to the standards of Aikido.  I was neither fighting with nor engaging them.  I was not afraid.  They had given me nothing to work with so I simply walked away.

I didn't walk away in defeat for there is no winner or loser when there was no fight. 

I am, as always - right here. 

        

It is a rare person who never encounters a disrespectful person or persons in life.  From the Mahayana Buddhist perspective, disrespectful people are revered in so much as one can practice patience towards them as a result.

There is story about the Buddha and how he handled a disrespectful person.  It is as follows:

The Buddha was meditating while sitting in the shade of a tree with some of his disciples when an angry man came upon him. The angry man began yelling at the Buddha, throwing one disrespectful insult after another at him.  However, the Buddha sat there calmly and said nothing though his disciples were shock and some even outraged.

The angry man continued to spew vitriolic acid at the Buddha, but the Buddha neither responded nor reacted.  After about five minutes the man was exasperated and he stormed off.  The Buddha was as serene as he was prior to the man's arrival.

The students, still in shock at what happened, asked the Buddha why he had not responded; why did he not put the angry man in his place?

The Buddha replied: “If someone gives you a gift and you do not want it, to whom does it belong?”
The students answered: "They must take the gift back with them."

The Buddha said:  "Since I did not accept his anger, he had no choice but to take it back with him."

Just because someone is angry, does not mean you have to be angry too. Just because someone is disrespectful to you, it doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful back.

[UPDATE - THE FOLLOWING PROVERBS ARE FROM THE BIBLE.]

Proverbs 10:19 - When words are many, sin is not absent, but she who holds her tongue is wise.

Proverbs 11:12 - A woman who lacks judgment derides her neighbor, but a woman of understanding holds her tongue.

Proverbs 12:15 - The way of a fool seems right to her, but a wise woman listens to advice.

Proverbs 12:16 - A fool shows her annoyance at once, but a prudent woman overlooks an insult.

Proverbs 12:19 - Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.

As an example of the last mentioned proverb, the Buddha's words have lasted over 2500 years - does anyone know who the angry man was?

        

#1 A twitter post:

[Religious Teacher] says: You have to learn to trust.
[Student] "How do I know who to trust and who not to trust?"
[Religious Teacher] "That is mistrust talking" she replies.

I modified it with regard to who the teacher and student are and to make it clearer what was said.  I couldn't believe it - the student actually believed this tripe blindly based on their following twitter posts regarding their interaction with this teacher.

#2 From voice mail:

"I don't believe in meditation, I believe in Jesus Christ."

LOL, as though meditation and the teachings of Christ are incompatible!  This person surely doesn't understand that when one meditates, one focuses the mind on something very specific without buying in to all the other garbage the mind wants to follow. 

This person could have used meditation to focus on teachings in the Bible and let them sink in deep in the mind and became a better person though Christ.