Can you win by losing?
It is widely known the Samurai were superb warriors in their time, particularly prior to the advent of the gun. One of the main reasons as to why they were so good is they had to be willing to die at any moment. That was their way of life. They may perish in a duel, in battle or if the one they served demanded they commit seppuku (hari-kiri). Death could literally be waiting around the next corner. Is it really any different for us today?
No one knows when we will pass on and the Samurai were keenly aware of this. They prepared daily in meditation that this would be the last day they would be alive. They were willing to lose their life in battle and the more skilled ones at letting go, more often survived than those who were either afraid of losing their life or who were angry and wanted to fight.
In Aikido last night, we practiced Kaeshiwaza which is the practice of reversing our partners attempt to throw us. For example if my partner attacks me and I do an Ikkyo poorly and my partner is aware of it, they can reverse it and throw me in another technique instead. Those who are skilled in this can go on for quite a long time reversing technique after technique. But, this is not easy.
To be successful in it,one must be willing to be thrown - to lose. For at the moment when your opponent has almost thrown you is when a reverse can be applied and your opponent thrown. It is not a competition to see who can reverse to the most or anything like that - rather it's a practice in letting go, in losing. For in losing, victory can be had. The proverb- "Sometimes when you win, you lose..." points to this.
Thanks for bearing with me - I am actually going somewhere with this idea.
I have found those skilled in conflict resolution do so not by fighting,but rather by letting go of the fight. If two people are fighting or having an argument and one disengages, there no longer is a fight; there is no more argument. But to disengage properly requires letting go, to be willing to lose. As a result, an understanding and possible reconciliation can occur.
Too often I see people want to fight about a subject almost to the point of death. They are relentless in their attacks and their main goal is to win even when their arguments become obviously faulty - especially through name calling. I'm guilty of having done this in my past way more than I care to admit.
It's seems natural and acceptable by society as a whole to fight. Media constantly portrays the notion that fighting is the best way to solve anything and the ones who give up or walk away are losers and weak. After all, who wants to be weak? Our fragile egos cannot tolerate being attacked for in our ego's point of view, it is the most important in the world. It's as though the ego says "How dare anyone challenge me!"
But let's look at this a little more carefully. To not fight someone who is angry with us, to not return insult for insult, to not participate in the Old Testament thinking of an Eye for an Eye is not a weak position - rather it shows strength and courage of one who can with stand such abuse. It's always easier to get angry and retaliate than it is to practice patience.
Practicing patience is hard work. Parenthood provides many opportunities fort his. One quickly learns which battles to fight with a child. Somethings children do are not worth the battle while others are. Knowing which battle to engage in is important.
In dealing with others,it's important to choose battles carefully. Is it really worth it to begin an all out fight just because someone called you a name? Can a name really hurt you? Can a series of letters which make a sound really hurt you?
By letting go, we loosen our egos grip on our mind and things begin to happen we did not for see. I have found very often when I get into an argument with someone that at some point I can see some mistakes I had made or see that what I was fighting for was stupid. At which point I am able to step back and say- "Ah! I messed up - I am sorry." Some times this yields unexpected results in that I gain more than I was originally asking for.
Those practicing Mahayana Buddhism sometimes take Bodhisattva vows. Holding these vows helps the aspirant to progress towards enlightenment. One of the vows is:
Our egos hate to lose. By allowing ourselves to lose, our ego loses it's grip on our mind. As a result, a truer victory can be had in winning the peace. The Samurai of the past let go of the ego daily in their meditations on death. They were prepared to lose their life and yet, the skillful ones often won their life for another day merely by letting go.
[1] - http://www.viewonbuddhism.org/resources/bodhisattva_vows.html
No one knows when we will pass on and the Samurai were keenly aware of this. They prepared daily in meditation that this would be the last day they would be alive. They were willing to lose their life in battle and the more skilled ones at letting go, more often survived than those who were either afraid of losing their life or who were angry and wanted to fight.
In Aikido last night, we practiced Kaeshiwaza which is the practice of reversing our partners attempt to throw us. For example if my partner attacks me and I do an Ikkyo poorly and my partner is aware of it, they can reverse it and throw me in another technique instead. Those who are skilled in this can go on for quite a long time reversing technique after technique. But, this is not easy.
To be successful in it,one must be willing to be thrown - to lose. For at the moment when your opponent has almost thrown you is when a reverse can be applied and your opponent thrown. It is not a competition to see who can reverse to the most or anything like that - rather it's a practice in letting go, in losing. For in losing, victory can be had. The proverb- "Sometimes when you win, you lose..." points to this.
Thanks for bearing with me - I am actually going somewhere with this idea.
I have found those skilled in conflict resolution do so not by fighting,but rather by letting go of the fight. If two people are fighting or having an argument and one disengages, there no longer is a fight; there is no more argument. But to disengage properly requires letting go, to be willing to lose. As a result, an understanding and possible reconciliation can occur.
Too often I see people want to fight about a subject almost to the point of death. They are relentless in their attacks and their main goal is to win even when their arguments become obviously faulty - especially through name calling. I'm guilty of having done this in my past way more than I care to admit.
It's seems natural and acceptable by society as a whole to fight. Media constantly portrays the notion that fighting is the best way to solve anything and the ones who give up or walk away are losers and weak. After all, who wants to be weak? Our fragile egos cannot tolerate being attacked for in our ego's point of view, it is the most important in the world. It's as though the ego says "How dare anyone challenge me!"
But let's look at this a little more carefully. To not fight someone who is angry with us, to not return insult for insult, to not participate in the Old Testament thinking of an Eye for an Eye is not a weak position - rather it shows strength and courage of one who can with stand such abuse. It's always easier to get angry and retaliate than it is to practice patience.
Practicing patience is hard work. Parenthood provides many opportunities fort his. One quickly learns which battles to fight with a child. Somethings children do are not worth the battle while others are. Knowing which battle to engage in is important.
In dealing with others,it's important to choose battles carefully. Is it really worth it to begin an all out fight just because someone called you a name? Can a name really hurt you? Can a series of letters which make a sound really hurt you?
By letting go, we loosen our egos grip on our mind and things begin to happen we did not for see. I have found very often when I get into an argument with someone that at some point I can see some mistakes I had made or see that what I was fighting for was stupid. At which point I am able to step back and say- "Ah! I messed up - I am sorry." Some times this yields unexpected results in that I gain more than I was originally asking for.
Those practicing Mahayana Buddhism sometimes take Bodhisattva vows. Holding these vows helps the aspirant to progress towards enlightenment. One of the vows is:
Do not add fuel to the anger of others by neglecting or ignoring those who are angry with you. Instead of closing yourself off, try to communicate and dissipate their anger. If you cause a problem for others or you have suspicious projections that they are harming you, and then through pride, laziness, malice or other delusions you do not clear the air by apologizing when you have the opportunity you incur this downfall.[1]What this is saying is that even if you did not intend to anger someone and yet they believe you're the cause, one should make amends. Let go of winning in order to win the peace.
Our egos hate to lose. By allowing ourselves to lose, our ego loses it's grip on our mind. As a result, a truer victory can be had in winning the peace. The Samurai of the past let go of the ego daily in their meditations on death. They were prepared to lose their life and yet, the skillful ones often won their life for another day merely by letting go.
[1] - http://www.viewonbuddhism.org/resources/bodhisattva_vows.html
Posted by Zoe at 1/27/2010 
Categories: Buddhism,Forgiveness,Death,Patience,Aikido,Philosophy,Acceptance
Tags: buddhism Samurai acceptance when you win you lose death Aikido patience
Categories: Buddhism,Forgiveness,Death,Patience,Aikido,Philosophy,Acceptance
Tags: buddhism Samurai acceptance when you win you lose death Aikido patience
Wise and thought-provoking. I very much needed to read this and be reminded of this right now. Thank you.
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Hi,
Thank you. I am glad it was of some benefit for you.
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Thank you for writing this wonderful post. There is much to be learned here!
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Hi,
Even I have to keep learning and remembering this everyday.... *sigh*
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Sometimes you just lose
You are right about apologizing and you are right about ego though.. Sometimes, you need to apologize even if there is no peace to be won. It is worth it to have a code of honor irrespective of circumstance. People judge by the path we tread and we can lose the friends we have by mistreating those we never will have.
[REMAINDER OF COMMENT DELETED AS IT DID NOT PERTAIN TO POST AT HAND]
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Also - always remember to acknowledge an insult. There's nothing more aggravating than to be ignored. If someone deliberately tries to hurt you, while you don't have to pretend that you're hurt, at least have the courtesy to treat it more seriously than a mosquito bite (even if it's less so).
This will give them a chance to apologise, and you a chance to accept.
It can be very difficult if one is the sea, concerned with tides and planetary motions, and the erosion of continents, to give adequate attention to someone maliciously throwing stones into the water. Yet it must be done. You may have to make an act of intense concentration to notice it: but to them it's of great importance that they hurt you. If you ignore them, their anger will increase, and the fault will be yours.
This is a fault of mine that I'm prone to, so I try to at least warn others to do as I say, not as I do. Then try to take my own advice!
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"always remember to acknowledge an insult."
I don't quite agree with you here on this. If you're attacking someone (first of all why are you attacking in the first place? What is the motivation?) and their response is to ignore you - well, that is what you get. If you look at my post "How the Buddha dealt with Disrespect" points to this.
Usually when someone attacks, they want a fight or want to make the other feel bad so their own ego will be boosted albeit in an illusory fashion.
Anger will not necessarily increase if the attacker is ignored.
What I think you may be getting at is a form of reconciliation which is taught in Aikido. Some one physically attacks, the attack is acknowledged and while defending oneself can let the other person know their behavior is not acceptable. At which point they can make a choice - attack again or disengage.
There are appropriate times for ignoring attacks in the form of insults. For example - when I was a Buddhist monk, I was walking down a street in my robes during the day when I hear a loud taunt "Hey! Nice Dress!" The bottom half of the robes does look like a full length skirt. The taunt came from a dimly lit parking garage. I could tell there was more than one person too. I ignored them.
Perhaps thinking I did not hear them the first time, they again shouted the taunt even louder. My response again was to ignore it. Nothing would have been gained in this situation to acknowledge the attack albeit verbal at this point. If someone is bold enough to say it in broad daylight is bold enough to step it up a notch. My mind at the time of the insult was disturbed and I was perceptive to the annoyance in my mind how ignorant most Americans are. Had I acknowledged the taunt - i would have exposed my irritation and they would have their victory. My silence allowed me a quiet victory while enduring the insult. They won nothing more than a laugh or too. I won by "losing."
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A good response. It may be a cultural thing though - in my social millieu, to pointedly ignore someone *is* an insult.
It is just.
It is not merciful. It is not compassionate. For those who try to be compassionate, regardless of other Kharmic considerations as we're not ready for the "advanced class" yet, such a path is wisest.
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I can see your point in a certain context. If someone was in general, nice to me, said "hi" or something and I ignore them, well yes, I would agree that would be insulting.
Most people tend to think compassion is only something soft and gentle and fluffy - sweet and kind. There is such a thing as wrathful compassion. For example when my child decided it would be fun to touch the stove iron that was practically red hot - I responded with wrathful compassion - as I knew he would suffer immensely from such foolish playing around - I yelled at him pointedly - danger was imminent for him. There was no time for fluffy sweet compassion - it was time for forceful, wrathful compassion. This was not done out of anger, but concern for my child's well being.
I will further argue that buy ignoring an insult from the Buddhist perspective helps to end the karmic cycle between participants. It simply acknowledge an insult can further prolong karmic exchange. Ignoring the insult, ends it.
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