becoming Zoë

A video to watch

Zoe — 2010-03-06T05:37:00Z

This is a video of a 15 year old - soon to be male who is in the process of transitioning from being female. Change some of the worlds around and it somewhat reflects how I feel too. I found this on another gal's site and felt I needed to share it too.

Staying calm and centered

Zoe — 2010-02-27T16:15:00Z

Oh, the joy of a gaggle of young teen girls hell bent on embarrassing others. I was at the store last night getting comfort food as I seem to be coming down with a cold when I noticed a group of 3 young teen gals following me around the store and laughing at me or what I was wearing. This was in stark contrast to all the adults who didn't seem to pay me no mind and some were quite friendly to me.

What to do?

My aikido training has helped me to learn how to be centered. When we do jiyuuwaza or freestyle practice in which multiple people attack, it helps if one is calm and centered. Some attacks are quite easy to deal with and the attacker dispatched in a few seconds, while others may need a little more attention to detail so as the attacker does not get injured.

What to do when multiple girls are attacking with laughter and mocking behavior?

I chose to ignore them by keeping my back towards them, though I was keenly aware of their presence at all times. The girls were really harmless after all. I mean really, how much harm can words and laughter do?

If they happened to be angry young men hell bent on a fight, I surely would not have turned my back on them.

But, as I said, they were harmless and I thought about what I might say to them if they conjured up enough nerve to come and say something to me. I decided I would laugh right along with them if it came to that point.

Laughter is a potent defensive tactic that can disarm the opponent in certain situations. If you can truly laugh at or with someone who is attempting to verbally, mentally or emotionally harm you, your genuine laughter will render their attacks ineffective. It will be like raindrops falling off a duck.

This is not necessarily easy though - but, if you can get to that point - it is a great help. I highly recommend it.

Everything's in transition

Zoe — 2010-02-24T23:27:00Z

Yes, everything, everyone is in transition in some manner. From young to old and for the lucky ones - back to young again; intelligent to wise; rich to poor; poor to rich. Friends come and go; happiness turns to sadness and back to happiness.

Change is a constant.

For me - no breasts to breasts; healthy to sick to healthy again; my girlfriend has transitioned to my fiance; some hair to less hair; and so on.

Winter is giving way to Spring.

There is a radio program that is on sometimes when I go to work called "9 at nine." Today's first song was from 27 years ago - Lionel Ritchie's "All Night Long." I was in 9th grade I think. We had moved to a newly built house. I had worked with my father in finishing up the last details such as sanding and varnishing the trim and so forth. Lionel's song played a lot during that time.

I was young and stupid - clueless really though my secret of who I was was deeply held - no one could know of it - I tried to ignore it lest i get beaten to death for being perceived as gay or worse.

I remember wondering if I would ever see Y2K and what I'd be like when I was 32.

When Lionel's song was popular, I had a dog named Spider; he was a black lab mix - he's long gone now - my father made me take him to the vet when I was 22 and have him put down. My father admitted to me he did not have the courage to do it himself. Thanks!

All the physical possessions I had then have moved on - so have I - I'm not he anymore; he's not with us anymore - only She remains and she is We, is me.

And even She is evolving and growing - and She too will not be here but will have to change into a new form somehow - somewhere else.

When he was here and made a mistake - he usually didn't care too much though now that She is here, I tend to cry at the smallest mistakes like when I dropped and broke a simple heart-shaped pendant my fiance made - I became quite sad and cried and cried.

Estrogen.

Estrogen is here - testosterone is going away, gone - Be gone I say.... and so it is. Thank Goddess! Thank God!

Thank Tao!

thank Tao?

hmmm I feel like crying now; though soon I'll be happy again ---

Aikido and then

my fiance - her smile, her warmth, her kiss.

Today will transition to tonight - to tomorrow but everso it will always be NOW.

If it is always now - how can there be change?

Pigtails with ribbons and Iaido

Zoe — 2010-02-17T06:36:00Z

Today in weapons class we began working on Iaido sword techniques. I've been waiting for this for a long time and it felt so good to begin training this way. It's very meditative when done correctly. So there I was, a nice - innocent girl done up in pigtails and pink ribbons practicing the serious art of Iaido.

I found this excellent Iaido video on Youtube. Enjoy!

"Mom! - there's a man-lady!"

Zoe — 2010-02-15T02:19:00Z

So today I was shopping for household goods such as paper towels, laundry detergent and so forth at Target. Usually nobody pays me no mind and if anything, someone will look at me a 2nd time briefly and then carry on with their life.

However, today, a young teen boy yelled out to his mom in the middle of the store:

"Mom, mom...MOM!!! There is a man-lady!!!" while pointing in my direction.

He kept trying to get his mom's attention while I watched in wonderment. When he noticed I was looking at him, he became all uncomfortable and looked away though he still made it a point to point me out to his mom. His mom seemed to care less and stayed absorbed in her own little world.

I found it quite hilarious and had a good laugh. "Man-lady." - Pleeeaazee!

Laughter is the best defense sometimes.

What does it mean to be a woman revisited but...

Zoe — 2010-02-14T01:43:00Z

not solved.

I reread my original entry What does it mean to be a woman? and found it lacking in so much as it really didn't say anything. It was a waste of space and time though not really as it is where I was at that moment.

Now it is 4 months later and I am free of testosterone poisoning. That previous post was written with the filter of testosterone clouding my vision, thoughts and emotions. Now I see things differently in a subtle but also profound manner.

When I have conversations with other women, those incessant lust filled thoughts no longer inhabit my mind. I can actually have a human conversation. I actually care more about them now than before when lust-filled ulterior motives run rampant in my mind during conversations with women.

I feel freer and happier than I have - well like ever. Co-workers mention how I am floating as I am so cheerful.

Does this mean I know what it means to be a woman? I don't think so. Though I am happier and more caring about others and empathetic to their problems then I ever was before. It was like I had been in a coma for 40 years...

Waking up can be so fun to do!

An inspiring woman

Zoe — 2010-02-10T06:17:00Z

I found this video of Michele Benzamin-Miki Sensei demonstrating an Iaido kata. She has 5th degree black belts in both Aikido and Iaido. It's an inspiration to see women who are masters or very strongly proficient in martial arts. If I lived closer, I'd want to train and learn from her. More information on Sensei Benzamin-Miki here and here.

Enjoy!

thoughts in Time and out of Season

Zoe — 2010-02-07T19:58:00Z

After doing the myriad things I need to do daily, I have been reading a book about Mitamoto Musashi when there is time. Those who have studied Japanese marital arts, particularly any that deal with the sword will have likely heard of Musashi.

He was a legendary swordsman and developed a method of using two swords in duels at a time when only one sword was used by most samurai of the time.The book in question was written by someone who practices Kendo and thus writes from a practitioners point of view as opposed to the typical scholarly viewpoint.

The author writes about how Musashi developed his skill with the sword beyond the utilitarian act of killing. In the duels he participated in toward the end of his life, he was able to be victorious over his opponent without dealing them a single blow. He was able to overcome this opponent through energy of will alone.

He was not a typical brawler who are always out looking for a fight, though he did win all his fights - some 60 in all. In his youth, the duels were usually to the death. Mid way through his life, he developed introspection into his life and his abilities. He sought out perfection. It was later in his life when he learned it was not necessary to deal a death blow to be victorious.

Musashi's avenue of perfection was through the sword. Mine is through Aikido. It has not only helped my self confidence, it also directly and indirectly has helped me work though various issues and develop certain qualities such as patience. There are a lot of dysfunctional behaviors I need to work through and discard. Aikido is helping with that.

It is funny though not surprising I had many people ask me "What are you going to do now that you have your black belt?" It seems there are some who think having a black belt means you're a master of a particular art. As one of my teachers said "If you want a black belt, you can go get one from the store for $3.95 and then you'll have your black belt." However, if you want something more that penetrates the depths of your being, train in a martial art, a way that befits you beyond black belt.

Gaining a black belt does not mean the end of a journey - rather it really is only the beginning. Acquiring a black belt through years of practice only signifies an understanding of basics of the techniques. Training continues forever; there are more depths to discover; there are more fears to overcome; there are more battles to be won, especially over one's ego.

There are some interesting battles being fought in Blog Land - some, I feel are worthwhile - such as exposing the fallacies of AGP and HSTS - while other battles are a waste of everyone's time. I have made my share of mistakes in some of these battles and even have chosen to participate in ones I now see were a waste of time. Mistakes were pointed out and through introspection, I see where and why I made them and endeavor to not make them again.

There are some that see engaging in any battle a waste of time period - though I do not see it that way. The battles I have participated in has given me food for thought - and through introspection - I am able to refine more of what I expect of myself and what I want to offer the world.

Aikido has given me the tools that help me through my transition and also tools to develop into a quality human that can contribute in a meaningful way to the world. I still have a long way to go.

A poem worth reading

Zoe — 2010-02-03T18:38:00Z

I found this excellent hard-hitting poem the other day by Lola Bean. I was going to give an introduction but my words cannot come together enough to do justice so I'll let Lola's words speak for themselves.

It is reprinted here with permission by Lola Bean and www.poormagazine.org

Shifty Grifters by Lola Bean

Thursday, October 8, 2009;

Yo shifty eyes be lookin side to side
Trying to find those lines and those rhymes
That yo sham hand can’t write
That yo sham life denies
You can’t spit nothin but lies

You can’t tell the dark from the light
You stand there while we do the fightin
Like you a baby in diapers
Youngster ain’t nobody buyin it
Why you even tryin?
Hand the mic over and sit silent

Wait what? You think you got something to say?
Cuz you read up on some book and downloaded nwa?
You think you can tell me the truth like you know the way?
Like you ain’t no fake?
Like you a general and I’m just tryin to keep pace?
Like you been there enuf times to know which road to take?

Baby, you wouldn’t know truth if it walked right up to you
Shone light in yo eyes and pulled blessings right through you
You aint’t got a taste for the struggle cuz it’s teeth haven’t bit you
Cuz when I’m out on the streets you at home sippin yoo-hoo

And when you had yo lunches saran-wrapped and packed by yo mama
I was tryin to make papers takin my top off
Or makin that drop off or getting those rocks off and scrubin that shit
off
But look at you - yo life’s been so soft

I came up takin fists
And you was handled just so soft
I climbed out suckin dicks
But yo path was just so soft
I can’t sleep cuz I’ll get bit
But yo pillow looks so soft
I got scars all over and shit
But yo skin it’s just so soft
And I got me a twitch
But yo steps they just so soft
Fool you can take them soft feet and just step the fuck right off

Cuz the shit yo be spittin is straight toxic its so off
Taking the truth then makin a spin-off
Wearin a sag tryin to hide that yo dicks small
Turnin hip-hop to grift-hop you lyrical jack-off
I’m comin hard baby so you best just back off

And keep on walkin til you right the fuck out our way
And let someone with truth get up on the stage
Someone with stories to show us the way
Someone with sight to grant us some grace
Someone in the struggle that ain’t so two faced

Awww, did that one cut? Am I crampin yo style?
This bastard girl unowned and run wild
Fist in the air fightin for survival
Ya I guess I’m a headache cuz you just small minded

We fight to survive while you just sit there bitchin
Bout how all that stress is just to much fo yo melon
Ya I bet yo dome be splittin
Damn , sweetie, I bet yo brains be illin
We burn full blaze while you barely flickerin
We walkin timebombs and you aint even tickin
You tappin yo feet but you aint tryin to feel it
You was just lookin for our stories to be stealin
For our worries to be pimpin
For our glories to be reapin
Pimp, you ain’t got nothing worth feelin
You can stop with that shit - I ain’t tryin to hear it
I aint got time for this bullshit
I’m fightin the fronlines you just out there frontin
I’m bringin up soldiers you aint bringin up nothin
I’m protecting the light you lettin the dark in
I’m crawling my way out and you tryin to get in
I roll deep in the struggle you don’t know where to begin
I’m tellin my story - you lyin with yo pen
You got caught and I’m tellin my kin
You ain’t one of us – you one of them.

Astrological chart points to my dissonance

Zoe — 2010-02-03T06:58:00Z

I had a nice conversation with my mom yesterday. For those who have been following along, I recently was able to have a reconciliation with her after quite a long silence.

She shared with me something quite interesting. As she is have been into astrology for quite some time, she ran my natal chart some time ago during our silent period. There is a peculiar thing in my chart that didn't make much sense to her until we reconciled and I shared with her my plans for transition.

In my chart, my Sun sign is square with my rising sign. As I recall what she told me, it means that what I showed the world on the outside is different than how I am on the inside.

In the context of transitioning, it makes more sense than it did years ago when she first ran my chart. My outside (male) is different than how I am on the inside (female). My girlfriend took it further and said that on the outside (more when I was in male mode), I appeared cold and unapproachable when in reality on the inside, she finds me warm, loving, caring - very much the opposite.

Now, more of the inside being, more of me, is surfacing on the outside. I can tell I am warmer and more friendly towards others and they seem receptive of it.

There was a lot more information she shared with me and also will be sending me a copy to read over. I look forward to reading it over.

Whether one believes in astrology or not - it is interesting this dissonance was found in my chart. I would have never imagined it.

Can you win by losing?

Zoe — 2010-01-27T18:28:00Z

It is widely known the Samurai were superb warriors in their time, particularly prior to the advent of the gun. One of the main reasons as to why they were so good is they had to be willing to die at any moment. That was their way of life. They may perish in a duel, in battle or if the one they served demanded they commit seppuku (hari-kiri). Death could literally be waiting around the next corner. Is it really any different for us today?

No one knows when we will pass on and the Samurai were keenly aware of this. They prepared daily in meditation that this would be the last day they would be alive. They were willing to lose their life in battle and the more skilled ones at letting go, more often survived than those who were either afraid of losing their life or who were angry and wanted to fight.

In Aikido last night, we practiced Kaeshiwaza which is the practice of reversing our partners attempt to throw us. For example if my partner attacks me and I do an Ikkyo poorly and my partner is aware of it, they can reverse it and throw me in another technique instead. Those who are skilled in this can go on for quite a long time reversing technique after technique. But, this is not easy.

To be successful in it,one must be willing to be thrown - to lose. For at the moment when your opponent has almost thrown you is when a reverse can be applied and your opponent thrown. It is not a competition to see who can reverse to the most or anything like that - rather it's a practice in letting go, in losing. For in losing, victory can be had. The proverb- "Sometimes when you win, you lose..." points to this.

Thanks for bearing with me - I am actually going somewhere with this idea.

I have found those skilled in conflict resolution do so not by fighting,but rather by letting go of the fight. If two people are fighting or having an argument and one disengages, there no longer is a fight; there is no more argument. But to disengage properly requires letting go, to be willing to lose. As a result, an understanding and possible reconciliation can occur.

Too often I see people want to fight about a subject almost to the point of death. They are relentless in their attacks and their main goal is to win even when their arguments become obviously faulty - especially through name calling. I'm guilty of having done this in my past way more than I care to admit.

It's seems natural and acceptable by society as a whole to fight. Media constantly portrays the notion that fighting is the best way to solve anything and the ones who give up or walk away are losers and weak. After all, who wants to be weak? Our fragile egos cannot tolerate being attacked for in our ego's point of view, it is the most important in the world. It's as though the ego says "How dare anyone challenge me!"

But let's look at this a little more carefully. To not fight someone who is angry with us, to not return insult for insult, to not participate in the Old Testament thinking of an Eye for an Eye is not a weak position - rather it shows strength and courage of one who can with stand such abuse. It's always easier to get angry and retaliate than it is to practice patience.

Practicing patience is hard work. Parenthood provides many opportunities fort his. One quickly learns which battles to fight with a child. Somethings children do are not worth the battle while others are. Knowing which battle to engage in is important.

In dealing with others,it's important to choose battles carefully. Is it really worth it to begin an all out fight just because someone called you a name? Can a name really hurt you? Can a series of letters which make a sound really hurt you?

By letting go, we loosen our egos grip on our mind and things begin to happen we did not for see. I have found very often when I get into an argument with someone that at some point I can see some mistakes I had made or see that what I was fighting for was stupid. At which point I am able to step back and say- "Ah! I messed up - I am sorry." Some times this yields unexpected results in that I gain more than I was originally asking for.

Those practicing Mahayana Buddhism sometimes take Bodhisattva vows. Holding these vows helps the aspirant to progress towards enlightenment. One of the vows is:

Do not add fuel to the anger of others by neglecting or ignoring those who are angry with you. Instead of closing yourself off, try to communicate and dissipate their anger. If you cause a problem for others or you have suspicious projections that they are harming you, and then through pride, laziness, malice or other delusions you do not clear the air by apologizing when you have the opportunity you incur this downfall.[1]

What this is saying is that even if you did not intend to anger someone and yet they believe you're the cause, one should make amends. Let go of winning in order to win the peace.

Our egos hate to lose. By allowing ourselves to lose, our ego loses it's grip on our mind. As a result, a truer victory can be had in winning the peace. The Samurai of the past let go of the ego daily in their meditations on death. They were prepared to lose their life and yet, the skillful ones often won their life for another day merely by letting go.

[1] - http://www.viewonbuddhism.org/resources/bodhisattva_vows.html

Oh Joy!

Zoe — 2010-01-25T14:00:00Z

Oh Joy! The Vikings lost their chance to be in the Superbowl -again. And they almost had it! Oh well.

More Joy - it's month end and the ever vast array of bills are due as usual but there is a new twist:

1. I just got my dentist bill to which I have no idea how I will pay for it; and,

2. My hormones will run out at the end of the month AND so will my asthma medication.

Wow - dilemma...what should I pay for?

Well, I'm feeling pretty emotional about it this morning...hormones talking? yea maybe - maybe not.

My grandma once said that she felt God never gave us more than we could handle. If this is true, how am I so lucky to be able to handle this? Now, don't get me wrong - I know there are plenty others who have it worse on varying levels...However, this is my dilemma which I am having a hard time with.

Options you say?

1. Get another job. I have 3.
2. Get a better paying job - Yea, this one is a bit more tricky. My main job is aware of my transition and I have received nothing but complete acceptance for it and they have an awesome health plan which is beneficial for the Endo visits and so forth. Plus, its a really great place to work.
3. "Aww - you don't need your medications for transition - why are you even doing that anyway???" - Yea, right.
4. Bankruptcy? - I'm not even thinking that is an option at all.
5. Sell some of my jewelry - yep I am working on that, though I have yet to sell any...

Anyway - thanks for bearing with my crying, whoas me trip... It's just where I am this morning.

I hope yours is going better!

My latest creations for sale

Zoe — 2010-01-25T07:45:00Z

I made these necklaces today. My girlfriend made the ceramic pendants that have either crystal glaze or a mixture of glass and glaze. I am selling them on Etsy.com for between $10 and $20.

Check them out at http://www.etsy.com/shop/Spiraali

I'd love to hear what you you think of them!

Language lessons in English, Suomea and 日本語

Zoe — 2010-01-23T07:29:00Z

私は幸福です。
Olen onnellinen.
I am happy.

私は感謝しています。
Olen kiitollinen.
I am thankful.

私は助けになります。
Olen auttavainen.
I am helpful.

私は美しいです。
Olen kaunis.
I am beautiful.

私には、平和があります。
Minulla on rauha.
I have peace.

I am here

Zoe — 2010-01-20T07:40:00Z

Aikido has taught me a lot. It has helped me to maintain calm and serenity in the midst of endless attacks.

Today in class we practiced mume jiyu waza - any attack, any throw - eyes closed. Your other senses become heightened and thoughts disappear. It was interesting to do this practice again for it had been several years since I last did it. I was able to be calm and soft even though the attacks were hard and direct. My "opponent" was not harmed and I finished with a calm mind; my breath was relaxed - unhurried.

Aikido is about self defense. There is no attacking. We don't learn punching nor kicking nor blocks. We don't attack. We respond accordingly depending on what our opponent brings us.

Sometimes in real fights, especially on the street where the opponents know different styles, it is standard to try to get the other to fight on their own ground in the same style they fight in. Then it is familiar and easy. So, for example, if a boxer meets an Aikido practitioner, the boxer will want to box and feel it is unfair if the Aikido person will not box. If the Aikido person is not interested in fighting a boxing style and the boxer refuses to attack...well there is no fight - it is over.

In the past, I have met some who wanted to box and though it was tempting, I chose not to. I have been trying to live up to the standards of Aikido. I was neither fighting with nor engaging them. I was not afraid. They had given me nothing to work with so I simply walked away.

I didn't walk away in defeat for there is no winner or loser when there was no fight.

I am, as always - right here.

Disrespect - The Buddha and Proverbs

Zoe — 2010-01-17T08:01:00Z

It is a rare person who never encounters a disrespectful person or persons in life. From the Mahayana Buddhist perspective, disrespectful people are revered in so much as one can practice patience towards them as a result.

There is story about the Buddha and how he handled a disrespectful person. It is as follows:

The Buddha was meditating while sitting in the shade of a tree with some of his disciples when an angry man came upon him. The angry man began yelling at the Buddha, throwing one disrespectful insult after another at him. However, the Buddha sat there calmly and said nothing though his disciples were shock and some even outraged.

The angry man continued to spew vitriolic acid at the Buddha, but the Buddha neither responded nor reacted. After about five minutes the man was exasperated and he stormed off. The Buddha was as serene as he was prior to the man's arrival.

The students, still in shock at what happened, asked the Buddha why he had not responded; why did he not put the angry man in his place?

The Buddha replied: “If someone gives you a gift and you do not want it, to whom does it belong?”
The students answered: "They must take the gift back with them."

The Buddha said: "Since I did not accept his anger, he had no choice but to take it back with him."

Just because someone is angry, does not mean you have to be angry too. Just because someone is disrespectful to you, it doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful back.

[UPDATE - THE FOLLOWING PROVERBS ARE FROM THE BIBLE.]

Proverbs 10:19 - When words are many, sin is not absent, but she who holds her tongue is wise.

Proverbs 11:12 - A woman who lacks judgment derides her neighbor, but a woman of understanding holds her tongue.

Proverbs 12:15 - The way of a fool seems right to her, but a wise woman listens to advice.

Proverbs 12:16 - A fool shows her annoyance at once, but a prudent woman overlooks an insult.

Proverbs 12:19 - Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.

As an example of the last mentioned proverb, the Buddha's words have lasted over 2500 years - does anyone know who the angry man was?

Funny things I heard today

Zoe — 2010-01-12T23:16:00Z

#1 A twitter post:

[Religious Teacher] says: You have to learn to trust.
[Student] "How do I know who to trust and who not to trust?"
[Religious Teacher] "That is mistrust talking" she replies.

I modified it with regard to who the teacher and student are and to make it clearer what was said. I couldn't believe it - the student actually believed this tripe blindly based on their following twitter posts regarding their interaction with this teacher.

#2 From voice mail:

"I don't believe in meditation, I believe in Jesus Christ."

LOL, as though meditation and the teachings of Christ are incompatible! This person surely doesn't understand that when one meditates, one focuses the mind on something very specific without buying in to all the other garbage the mind wants to follow.

This person could have used meditation to focus on teachings in the Bible and let them sink in deep in the mind and became a better person though Christ.

The Journey as the goal

Zoe — 2010-01-11T00:43:00Z

Yesterday, a friend of mine passed her ni-dan (2nd degree black belt) test in Aikido. At our dojo, it is customary to give a presentation when one passes to the next level. This includes both demonstration of technique and an oral report.

Her report was beautifully articulated and I could see it was well thought out.

She spoke about how her journey from 1st degree to 2nd was a difficult one. She had various injuries that kept her from training. She gave the analogy of taking a trip from Phoenix to San Diego. You can just get on the freeway and head west and you will eventually arrive in San Diego.

But, she asked, what if you get stuck along the way, say in Yuma? You begin thinking about how you might not make it to San Diego - your car might break down, you might run out of gas and so forth. She continued saying that you may begin questioning why you're even traveling to San Diego. Phoenix looks a better bet, it's familiar, it's safe and returning there seems more appealing than traveling to the unknown of San Diego.

She said that in her trip to ni-dan she went back to the proverbial Phoenix to start over again and again. At some point she reconciled the fact she may never get her ni-dan. She knew that it would be ok and that life would not end. She gave up the goal of ni-dan and focused on the journey instead. In her letting go of some future event she gained the now, the joy of the journey and along that journey, she did get her ni-dan.

She further said this idea of giving up the perceived end goal for the journey can be applied to anything and I agree. I sat and listened to her and though about how it applied to my life, the things I am striving for and the transition I am in.

The TG rubric presents the notion that it must be difficult to transition and that it's fraught with perils that make the it easy to get stuck at the Yuma of transition and begin looking back and seeing how safe it was prior to begining the transitional journey. We need not believe this though!

I read about one gal who began transition and gave it up because their wife said she would leave them if they continued to and so they stopped - they were afraid of the journey. Others have begun transition too only to turn back at Yuma and head to the relative safety of Phoenix.

My friends speech was powerful and as I internalize what she said, it's helping me to see I need to enjoy the now, life - transition and otherwise. To be calm in the face of whatever comes up and respond from my center as opposed to reacting from my head, from my fear.

I need to not fret but rather, enjoy what comes my way along the path whether it be bumpy or smooth. There is much to enjoy and learn along the way.

A nice message

Zoe — 2010-01-10T08:27:00Z

I found an very motivational post by Leona talking about living in the present regardless of the past. I encourage you to read it here.

Think for yourself - I mean actually THINK!

Zoe — 2010-01-08T08:10:00Z

A reader opened their comment on my recent post with:

"I have to admit that I found a lot of what you were trying to say misguided."

To me, being misguided implies that I am some how blindly following someone else's opinion or thoughts. Now, I did point out there are a group of women fighting the TG paradigm and that I do support their efforts. Does this mean I am blindly following what they say? No.

Having been duped and brainwashed before in a religious setting, I know what it is like to be brainwashed and to follow someone unquestioningly. I refuse to make that mistake twice.

What helped me to really begin thinking for myself was something the Buddha said:

Don't hurry to believe in anything, even if it has been written in the holy scriptures. Don't hurry to believe in anything just because a very famous teacher has said it. Don't believe in anything just because the majority has agreed that it is the truth. You should test anything people say with your own experience before you accept or reject it.

The Buddha meant this standard applied to anything he said as well. This means think for yourself; think your own thoughts, not others thoughts.

So when I figured out who I am and needed to begin transition, what was I presented with as the model to follow? The TG rubric.

I received a bombastic litany of things I needed to do, what I could expect and so on. It confused and frightened me along with giving me the notion if I couldn't follow everything pointed out to help me "pass" then I never will be a woman, but rather just a man in a dress. Horror stories abound and I began wondering what in the world I was doing.

For a short while, I bought into the TG paradigm but soon began questioning it outright especially as I moved on and began transition and found the these horror stories were not coming about. Sure there have been some ups and downs but nothing like the terror I was told I should expect.

Early on, I questioned why should transsexuals be included in the GLBQ(TG) group. After all, gay, lesbian or bi is about sexual orientation. Transsexualism is not a sexual identity, it's not an orientation - it's a medical condition. I do not accept that transsexuals need to be in the not-so-happy GLBQ(TG) family.

Nor do I accept that one has to be an out and proud about being trans. I will not take that route. If others have a calling or desire to be openly trans - all the power to them. I have respect for those who are openly trans and live their lives in a non-pretentious manner. These people tend not to run around trying to tell others how they must do this or that to be a real trans-whatever.

And conversely, I have little respect for those openly trans-whatever people who run around and dictate from their high horse how the rest of us must behave, the manner in which we must proceed with our transition, how we must be passable and all the other crap they spew forth. I do have a problem with these people and will speak my mind when I come across them by pointing out their antics.

It seems there are fewer people in the world who really can think for themselves anymore. It seems more and more get caught up on whatever bandwagon attracts them at the moment and mindlessly promote those agendas. It really doesn't matter which bandwagon it is be it a political, religious, or the GLBQ(TG) movement.

Many, blindly followed Jim Jones to their deaths; follow Rush Limbaugh mindlessly; follow the TG paradigm mindlessly. Those who think for themselves and disagree with the bandwagon often get lambasted for free thinking as though it is some type of heretical sin.

I want people to wake up! I want people to question assumptions - to challenge the rubric and not to believe the hype! Now get out there and think for yourself!